My Story

I am not writing this story to elicit sympathy or pity. I am writing this story so those women who have gone through what I have or who may someday (God forbid) go through what I am going through, do not feel alone in their journey.

The story is a sad one, and one that is hard to write, but I will start from the beginning.

Back in September Hubs and I decided that we wanted to start a family. We have been married about 2.5 years, and it seemed like the perfect thing to do. The process was quick, and in October we found out that we were expecting. We were truly overjoyed with the prospect of having a baby of our own. We found out that the due date was going to be on June 13… our anniversary. It was truly such a happy time for our family.

My pregnancy progressed with no complications or problems. I did not have morning sickness, my cravings were minimal, everything seemed to be doing great. When we found out at 5 weeks that we were expecting, we had shared the news with our immediate family, and then after my next appointment at 9 weeks, we shared with a couple close friends and extended family.

Still things progressed beautifully. My next appointment was going to be this Friday at 13 weeks. We were going to hear the heartbeat, and then share the news with everyone we knew. Unfortunately this is when my story becomes a sad one.

This past Friday afternoon, while I was at school, I noticed some spotting. It was very light and brown, but fear struck me instantly with the possibility of what it could be. My lovely co-worker jumped into action and took my kids and gave me some time to rest. By the time I had called and heard back from the doctor’s office, the spotting had stopped. The nurse and I decided that since it was minimal and not bright red, we would just monitor it and make an appointment for Monday with my regular OB.

I went home that night and told Hubs and my mom what was going on. I was scared, but the spotting seemed to have stopped for the time being.

Saturday morning I woke up, and it was back. I also had a new symptom: I did not feel pregnant. At first I thought I was just getting into my head, but after reading some I found out that this is normal because the pregnancy hormone decreases and can leave you with that feeling. This time the spotting was more, but it still was not bright red. I decided to wake up Hubs and head to the hospital.

We made it into the ER, and luckily no one was waiting so we we got right in and taken to a room. The nurses drew some blood, and the doctor finally came in. He did an exam, but did not seem very concerned about it. The nurse tried to use a Doppler to find the heartbeat of our baby, but the machine was very staticy, and she was having trouble making out any sounds.

The doctor called the on-call doctor from our regular OB practice, and she wanted to order an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. For the next hour and a half we waited for the ultrasound tech to get to the hospital.

The ultrasound tech took us back to the room and proceeded to conduct the ultrasound. He was very quiet during the entire process. He took many pictures of the baby, as well as both of my ovaries. Once it was done, he wheeled me back to the room, and as I was getting out of the chair, he quietly told me “Good luck to you both.” He was truly sincere, and was one of the kindest gentlemen I had ever met.

Within 5 minutes of being back in the room, the doctor came back and told us that the news was not good. He said that the ultrasound measured the baby at only 9 weeks. At this time I was 12.5 weeks, so the baby was about 3.5 weeks behind. He also said that the ultrasound was unable to pick up a heart beat. He said that this would not be a viable pregnancy. He held my hand and tried to comfort me, but those words are the words that no one wants to ever hear.

After the doctor left the room, Hubs and I held each other and wept. This was by far the hardest thing that we had ever had to deal with together.

We finally left the ER and still had to wait until Monday to see my regular OB. Sunday was excruciating with the waiting. There was nothing I could do to save the baby that was still inside me. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was constantly reminded about what my body was going through.

On Monday I went to see my regular OB, and unfortunately the results had not changed. We had a few options for how to proceed. By this time Hubs and I were getting to the point that in some ways we wanted this all to be over with. We were tired of the waiting and the pain of knowing what was constantly happening to my body. We ultimately made the decision to have a D&C.

We were unable to have the D&C scheduled until Wednesday (today) which meant it would be another excruciating day of waiting. We were blessed with a kind OB doctor who was willing to come in on his day off to get the procedure done, though.

Tuesday was another long day of waiting. My mom, sister, and I did have lunch together, and my parents were more than willing to take the dogs, so they wouldn’t be too hard to handle when I came back from the surgery. We took the dogs to their place, and my mom made a lovely dinner for Hubs and I last night. We tried to get to bed early because this morning was an early morning.

The alarm went off at 4:45, and we both got up to shower. I wasn’t allowed to put on any lotions, make-up, or jewelry, so my shower was just to rinse off and warm up. We left the house at 5:20 this morning to get to the Surgery Center by 6. We arrived at about 5:40 and waited in the car until they opened around 5:55.

I checked in and was almost immediately taken back to pre-op. They had me change into a gown, and the nurse was kind of enough to bring me a warm blanket because I was so cold. She asked a lot of questions and did her best to comfort me. When it was time to put in my IV, she had a bit of trouble finding a good vein. She said my veins were very small, and I wasn’t giving her many options. She was very gentle and tried to make the process as easy as possible.

After being hooked up to the IV, Hubs was able to come back and be with me until it was time to go. We met with my OB and the Anesthesiologist. There was an odd comfort in having my OB there. He was a familiar face and had a calming presence for us.

After meeting all the nurses and everyone involved, I had to say bye to Hubs, and they gave me some relaxing drugs. It was a short ride to the operating room, and by the time I was there I had a drunk feeling already. I remember moving on to the operating table and after that I remember nothing.

I woke up in recovery, and Hubs was back with me. The doctor had talked to him after the procedure, and it sounded like most everything went well. The doctor did have to put in a couple internal sutures because I was bleeding more than expected, but it was nothing to be worried about. Everything was going to be fine.

I eventually came out of my drug induced fog and Hubs, and I were able to come home.

Now that I am home, a lot more healing is to come. Even though we have had a few days since the initial news, our emotional healing will take some time to complete. We have been so humbled by the support and encouragement of those around us: our friends, family, and those we work with. Everyone has rallied around us, and we have been blessed by those who have shown their love and support.

This has truly been the hardest thing we have been through, but I don’t want to hide my story from anyone. If anyone has been or has to go through this experience, I am completely open to talk. I have had many friends offer their ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. I realize that I am now a member of a club that no one would ever want to join, but I find it has made me a stronger woman and has helped Hubs and I grow closer than we have ever been. This experience has also drawn me closer to God than I have ever been.

If you still have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. I am a teacher by trade, but more importantly a teacher deep in my heart. I want to ease anyone’s pain who has to go through this, and I want to show others that good can come from such a terrible experience.

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2 thoughts on “My Story

  1. Wow! I am so sorry for you loss, but you are truly a strong person and by sharing your story you will help so many people. This isn't the end either, but I think you know that…

  2. Pingback: A Heavy Heart | Confessions of a Resolutionist

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