I will start with the miscellaneous and will warn everyone when I get to the possible TMI portion of the post.
First, the no (low) spend challenge is in full swing. Today both Hubs and I had to fill up our cars, so that put a dent in things. Besides that, no money out of our checking account has been spent. Hubs is at dinner with a friend tonight, but should be using his own money for that. Also, he had to pick up some medicine for his cold today. We had some money in our medical envelope, so he used that.
Since Hubs is still at dinner with his friend, I don’t have the totals for how much was spent today. I spent $29.00 on gas for my car. I don’t have to fill up nearly as much, as a coworker and I have started carpooling to work. I now drive to work 2-3 times a week instead of 5. It really has made a difference with how much I have to fill up my car.
I think we have gotten the last of our medical bills from my miscarriage. It is almost another punch in the gut each time we get a bill. We went through so much emotionally, that each time we have to pay for something, it is very hard to do. Because of my insurance and the fact that I was pretty much at my deductible, our total so far comes to $476.46. If I did not have insurance we would have been paying more than $5,000 for everything. We have $300 set aside each month for medical bills, so I will pay all of them except our highest one. The highest one will be split in two and everything should be paid off by next month. By doing this we will go over by about $20 this month, but will be under by a lot next month.
Now to the TMI (mainly for the male population) part of the post, so if you do not wish to continue, my feelings are not hurt.
This past weekend has been really tough emotionally. I started my period on Friday, and I didn’t think it would be as emotional as it was. It was another reminder that I am not pregnant. This was the first period I had without birth control for years. I started birth control many years ago because of severely painful cramps. They came back with a vengeance. They woke me up in the middle of the night on Friday night and did not let up their hellish grip on my uterus until midday Sunday. It was terrible!
If I didn’t have the miscarriage, I would have been about 18 weeks now, and there honestly hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I feel like every time I get on facebook someone is either posting a picture of a baby, revealing that they are pregnant, or finding out the sex of their baby. It has been very difficult.
I have been struggling with being genuinely happy for those people, but I know I need to be. It is an exciting time in their lives, and if I were in their shoes, I would be so excited to share with my friends. I have been praying each day for God to soften my heart towards those people. They deserve my genuine love, encouragement, and joy for them.
I am not sure when these feelings will ever pass, but I hope it will happen soon. I am getting tired of being bitter, but it is not something I can just switch off. Someday I won’t feel pain when I see a baby picture or a pregnant person… I will feel joy for them again. Today is just not that day.
*I know some of the people who read this blog are pregnant, and this is not to make you feel guilty. This is just an airing of my emotions and feelings. Do not stop being joyful of your situation, and do not stop sharing your joy with others… you deserve all the joy in the world, and one day soon I will be able to join you.