I have been away much longer than I anticipated. I guess that’s what happens when the end of the school year comes, you have a 7 month old baby, and your photography business gets busy. I have missed blogging and have missed having a place to spill my feelings and guts.
Today I am feeling exceptionally guilty. I already know what most people will say, but I can’t change the guilty feeling I have.
Last night around 2:00, I woke up feeling sick. I thought I was just hungry because I hadn’t eaten anything since dinner, and really hadn’t had a very big dinner. I managed to make it upstairs and ate an apple. I felt a little better, but in less than 15 minutes, I had thrown it all up. I tried eating some Cheerios, and again in about 15 minutes, I threw it all up. I really wanted a piece of toast, but we had no bread due to an earlier incident with the dogs. I finally kept down about 10 pretzels and fell asleep around 4:00. Miss C woke up around 5:00, and it took all my strength to get up and feed her. I was so utterly exhausted! I fed her and put her back down around 5:30. She let me sleep until about 7:15.
What I am feeling guilty about is that I was supposed to help a fellow photog with a wedding today. I wasn’t necessarily a second shooter, but I was an assistant. (We were trading services, as she had done my family photos last weekend.) I don’t really feel sick anymore, but I have a killer headache and have absolutely no energy or strength. I feel completely guilty for bailing on her and staying home to try and feel better. I plan to completely compensate her for doing our family photos, though.
The other thing that I feel SUPER guilty about is sending Miss C to hang out with my sister all day so I can get feeling better. My sister was already going to watch her since I was going to be helping at the wedding most of the day, but now I feel guilty sending her away. My sister offered to still take her, and I know that my sister and my nephews enjoy the time that they get to spend with her. I just feel guilty about not keeping her at home even though I could technically take care of her here. I haven’t felt this level of mom guilt before, so it’s a new and not very good feeling. I didn’t even feel this guilt when I went back to work because I knew working was the best thing I could do for her. I also don’t think I felt it because my mom and husband were the ones in charge during the week. I didn’t feel like I was sending her away like I feel I am doing today.
I know most people will tell me that I need to take care of myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. I just wish I felt better and didn’t have to deal with any of this at all.