I guess it is time for me to come out of hiding. After the week I have had, though, it was nice to snuggle with the family and try to ignore everything going on around me.
There are bad weeks, and then there are weeks that you don’t even have adjectives for. That would be what this past week was for me.
It all started out a week ago… on Valentine’s Day. Miss C and I went grocery shopping. While we were out, I picked up a box of two pregnancy tests. My period was a week late, so I just wanted to check. Both tests were positive, which were a bit of a surprise, but a very welcome surprise! Hubs and I have been “not preventing” pregnancy since our last miscarriage last March, so I was very excited about this news!
I put the positive pregnancy tests in a ziploc bag and wrapped them up as a Valentine’s gift for Hubs. I thought it would be a cute way to tell him.
He opened the gift when he got home, and all was happy and lovely.
Sunday morning we went to my parents’ house. My nephew was over there, and we wanted Miss C to have some cousin time. My sister, brother-in-law, and other nephew came over for lunch. While we were there, we told them our news (everyone except the young nephews). I planned to call my brother later in the day, as I knew he would be at church and I wanted to talk to him and not leave a message. Hubs called his parents and texted his siblings to tell them the news as well. It was all happy and rainbows for everyone at that time.
We left my parents’ house around 12:30 to get home and get the little missy down for a nap. I went to the bathroom, and the spotting had already started. Less than 24 hours after finding out I was pregnant, the bleeding was starting. Of course I burst into tears and snuggled up with Hubs. In my heart I knew what was going on, but part of me wanted to believe that I wasn’t miscarrying again (my 3rd time for those keeping track).
I decided I would call my doctor’s office in the morning (as I knew there was nothing that could be done for me at this point on a Sunday), and hopefully they would get me in to see what was going on.
This wasn’t the only part of my weekend that sucked… because at 3:00 in the morning Sunday night/Monday morning, Miss C woke up and threw up all over her crib. This was our first experience with her throwing up. She didn’t act like she didn’t feel well, but we knew something was going on. We gave her a bath, threw her bedding and a menagerie of puke-soaked stuffed animals in the wash. Then we all proceeded to stay up with the munchkin. At this point I decided I would not be going to work, even though it was just a day of meetings.
We were up until 7:00 AM, when she finally decided she was tired and wanted to go back to bed. We were all very excited by this, and the three of us promptly all fell asleep for a nap.
At 9:00 I woke up and went to the bathroom again. The bleeding was heavier and at that point that I needed a pad. It was also becoming bright red. The reality of the situation was still not wanting to sink into my brain. I called my doctor and left a message for a nurse to call us back. She finally called us back at 10:00. They would get me in for an ultrasound and go from there.
My wonderful mother came to our house to watch a sick Miss C while we went to the doctor. I still showed positive on the pregnancy test, but the ultrasound showed nothing. There was no sac, no fetal pole, nothing but an empty uterus. The doctor I saw was not my usual midwife, but I loved her! She explained that this was probably a chemical pregnancy. (A chemical pregnancy is one in which the egg is fertilized but one of two things happen: it doesn’t implant, or it implants and just doesn’t grow. The only proof of pregnancy is the chemical, hcg, that is released from the fertilized egg and causes a positive sign to show up on a pregnancy test.) She was very optimistic and encouraging, though. We went ahead and drew some blood to check my levels (progesterone, hcg, etc.).
Two days later I had to go back and have more blood drawn to see if my levels were going up or down. Unfortunately they were going down. This meant that for sure there was no pregnancy and no baby. The bleeding continued for a few more days, and it is finally tapering off. I go back to the doctor this coming Thursday for another blood draw. This will check to make sure there is no hormone in my blood at all. They want to do this because we would like to move forward with testing to see if we can figure out why I have had so many miscarriages. If everything is clear next week, then we wait another 6 weeks, and I will have a full workup done. Hopefully we will find some answers.
While all of this was happening, Miss C was still recovering from her stomach virus. She is still not 100% yet, but today has been much better than the past few days. Another fun piece of the story is that my mom got the stomach virus on Wednesday. She was ok in the morning when she came to pick up Miss C, but by the end of the day, my dad had to bring the munchkin to me because my mom felt so bad. Hubs ended up taking the day off work on Thursday so my mom could recover. Luckily Mom is back to normal and was able to watch Miss C yesterday.
In the end, I know I have no real control over what happens in my life. It is all up to God. He has plans that I do not understand and may never understand. What I do know is that I am beyond thankful to have the little family that I have now. Yes, I want to expand our family. Yes, I feel sad and somewhat bitter whenever I see yet another pregnancy announcement. Yes, I feel anger when someone complains about a pregnancy symptom. I would give anything to have another pregnancy. But I am also over the moon grateful for the one beautiful little munchkin I already have. I know many women out there who would give absolutely anything to be in my shoes. I never want to take it for granted.