Today is the official 6 week mark since Miss E joined our family. At times it feels like it has flown by, and at other times it feels like time is crawling.
Let’s recap a few lessons I have learned in the past 6 weeks:
I can survive on less sleep than I ever imagined.
I have never been more sick and tired of spit up.
Miss C spoiled us when she was a newborn.
I could hold Miss E for every nap if I let myself.
I am not someone who can just “let the housework go” even though life is crazy.
I hate hand washing bottles and pump supplies.
It doesn’t matter how bad a night or day is, when Miss E smiles it melts everything away.
I am sure there are more lessons I have learned, but that is all I can think of right now.
One of the big parts of being 6 weeks out is going back to the doctor to have everything checked out. I had my appointment yesterday morning. This 6 week check was very different from my 6 week check with Miss C. When I went for my first 6 week check, I was a starry-eyed new momma. My baby girl was perfect and our lives were rainbows and unicorns (with one occasional hiccup every now and then). The only bad part about that check up was that my stitches had not dissolved and had to be plucked out by my midwife. NOT FUN!
This 6 week check up was much different. The doctor came in and of course oohed and ahhed over the little nugget. Then she started talking to me about how things were going. We talked about how hard it is with two kiddos, and how hard it is with days and nights mixed up. She asked how I was doing physically, and my answers were good. I shared my concern about stitches not dissolving (which they did… woo-hoo!), but besides that all was well.
Then she asked how I was holding up mentally. At this point it took all my strength not to burst into tears. In all honesty I am not too fond of the momma I have become in the past 6 weeks. I have become snippy with Miss C. I become angry and mad at night when the little nugget won’t sleep. I am not handling things well at all. Then the guilt sets in if I ever have to ask for help. I have shed my fair share of tears.
Once my doctor saw and heard my concerns, she recommended an antidepressant. I talked to her about running and how that helps, and she agreed that it was the best thing possible for me. She still recommended the medication to help take the edge off things. I have been on antidepressants in the past. I hate the stigma that is associated with them. I am not a fan of being on them, but I know that I am not happy with myself right now. I need as much help as I can get. Running will remain a big part of my therapy, but for now I need the additional help of medication.
My hope is that I am able to come off of them in the next 6 months or so. It takes about 6 weeks for them to reach their maximum “working power.” Hopefully once we have some sort of schedule, and I am back to work, then I will be able to wean off them completely.
Admitting my mental health struggles is not an easy thing to do. It is a part of me that I cannot erase, but it is a part of me that I can use to help others who struggle as well. I realize that some people’s view of me will change with this, but if I am able to help someone out there who thinks they are alone or who thinks they are damaged because of their struggle, then it is all worth it.
The mixture of medication, exercise, and support from family and friends is the best thing for me right now. I am still working on completely coming to terms with the fact that I cannot do this alone. Someday I hope to take the medication out of the equation, but until I am healthy enough to do that, I will do whatever it takes to be the best momma I can possibly be.